It’s the End of America as We Know It!
· The Atlantic
“America is over,” Laura Loomer posted on X. She is right. The Blue Wave is upon us, and everything is happening exactly as they foretold.
I just looked out the window and saw Santa Claus (xi/hir) being led away in chains. The War on Christmas has finally ended. Christmas lost. Nothing is red now, not even the Starbucks cups, which now say Happy Holidays on one side and We Apologize for America on the other.
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The maps are turning back. No more America. Just Mexico and, worse, Ontario, wherever the eye can see. The arches and golf courses are melting away. Everyone in the country must mask, except for ICE, which must go maskless or disband entirely.
The Department of War is now the Department of Crawling to Canada on Our Knees and Hoping It Forgives Us. The Trump Center for Peace is now … a Cheesecake Factory? We still have access to Greenland, but our base there is being replaced with the lesbian COVID-conscious Last Ditch Bar?
Each city is being issued its own Mayor Zohran Mamdani; check your bus or train schedules (the only permissible forms of transportation) to see when yours will arrive. Go quietly to turn in your guns and flannel; one will be destroyed and the other will be redistributed to people with Subarus. In Blue Texas, people must now shout “Remember the Alamo—in its proper historical context,” and Lonesome Dove is being rereleased as Dove Involved in Community Organizing. For the next two years, instead of getting to talk, Joe Rogan will be required to listen.
The armed forces are returning to their long-cherished tradition of being run by fatties, beardos, and weirdos, like the men who won the American Civil War—which now, finally, we are allowed to say the Union won without hemming and hawing. National parks are all getting new signs explaining that slavery was bad, even the parks that exist solely to showcase big boulders. The Donald J. Trump and John F. Kennedy Memorial Center for the Performing Arts is now the Kennedy Kennedy Center With an Extra Side of Kennedy. The Garden of Heroes is now entirely full of statues of Karl Marx and anthropomorphic lady M&M’s, but not the sexy kind. All hockey players must now kiss.
AO3 is back up?
Seed oils are mandatory in all foods. Beef tallow is being arrested for its crimes. Raw milk must be not only pasteurized, but SCALDED, to punish it. The food pyramid has flipped itself back over, crushing several Trump appointees beneath it. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has been forced to surrender the sauerkraut that accompanies him everywhere, and he has to work out in soft pants.
Socialism for everyone. Testosterone for no one. Pluto is a planet once more, and it is illegal to be blonde. Everyone is required to have their original faces again. The entire population is having +1 added to their number on the Kinsey Scale. Kinsey 1s are now 2s, 2s are now 3s, and 6s are now being issued their own, more exciting scale. English is no longer the official language. In fact, English is not permitted anywhere, except, again, in apologies, which must be heartfelt and use “I” statements. Greenland gets to come over here and pick a random state to annex. The penny is legal tender again, and it hasn’t forgotten what we did.
Even the leaves are all turning blue.
When I stepped outside just now, it was raining impeachments and vaccines. There are 84 Supreme Court justices, and more are springing up every minute, and it seems as though they’re term-limited?
So much for the golden age. All the people who finally felt proud of this country because it was a place where masked men could hurl a gardener into an unmarked van now feel homeless. Sorry, unhoused. (This is the rule now.) So much for the swell of patriotism we used to feel at the sight of armed guardsmen tramping aimlessly through the streets of peaceful cities. So much for the joy and relief we used to experience while watching our measles deaths climb and women with pregnancy complications bleed out in parking lots. The statues are going back down; the pronouns are coming back up.
It is the end of America as we know it! The end of the America we know now!
And finally, after all of the evils have come flying out, there is something else at the bottom of Pandora’s box. It looks a little bit like hope.