Saturday Predictions: Kentucky
· Yahoo Sports
Seeing as Tom—one week after having been relocated from his long held post as Lubbock lawyer and assuming the identity of Skippy the bag boy in a Des Moines Piggly Wiggly—has now been promoted to Associate Vice President of Piggly Wiggly Bag Boys, you’re still stuck with yours truly (Andrew VU ‘04) in this space.
Visit betsport.cv for more information.
Last year, we whipped the ever-loving crap out of Mark Stoops and the Jamal Mashburn Wedding Jersey Feetball Team 45-17, killing their hopes of bowl eligibility and effectively ending Mark Stoops’ tenure. He is now the guy who takes the notes from Bevo Lab AI to Steve Sarkissian, so Arch Manning and a Tejas team full of large children making generational wealth can lose three yards on a 4th and 2 play. The future truly is magical.
Kentucky replaced Stoops with (checks notes) far left third party political astroturfer Jill Stein. While Jill Stein the political figure has been alleged to be a Russian plant to syphon off a few votes from whomever the Democratic presidential candidate is in any given election cycle, Jill Stein the Kentucky football coach has been a revelation. Along with General Manager Pete “Prima” Nochta, the Feetball Wedding Jerseys gave a large bag of money to Notre Dame backup QB Kenny “Pinchy” Minchey, and have risen to the near top of the SEC. The Wedding Jerseys are 6-1 (4-1 SEC), with wins over the aTM Cult of Milkmen, South Cackalacky Game Penises, LSU Gumbo NFL Ex-Pats, and the OK Boomers. Don’t take them to overtime, or they will beat you 35-34, as they proved against both the Penises and Gumbo Ex-Pats.
We, on the other hand, just gave Arkansas their first conference win since the McKinley administration.
How will this one go? Let’s hear what the rest of the writers think.
Andrew VU ‘04
Good points, Andrew. It certainly seems like these bunch of Lexington groomsmen wearing shootyhoops jerseys are different than last year’s bunch of Lexington groomsmen wearing shootyhoops jerseys. While our boys are learning on the jerb, the veteran Wedding Jersey squad is peaking at the right time.
(record scratch)
Not so fast, my friend!
(puts on Mr. C Mascot head)
Gross. This smells like Cole. Anyway, Curtis E. Bear’s knee (The Courtey Bear’s knee) is back to full health, the coaching staff has redesigned the entire offense to finally suit the skillset of the manchild with the golden arm, and, finally, chaos reigns. After two weeks of Bad Josh Allen, we’re due for a week of Good. The Cayuts, rather than seeking revenge for our 45-17 beatdown in 2025, are going to completely overlook us as they can’t stop staring at the following week’s potential battle for a playoff spot against The Knoxville Buttchuggers. Also, it’s college feetball in 2026. Like 4 players on this Wedding Jersey team were even on the field against Dirty Diego and the Boys last year, and Minchey’s agent is on the phone with Notre Dame to get him an even bigger bag after CJ Carr goes pro (and no, I’m not going to check if Minchey has any eligibility left, as if he doesn’t, just change “Notre Dame” to “LSU” and wait for a good ol’ boy judge to issue a stay).
Say it with me, Ackbar: It’s a trap (game)!
The Pick: Vanderbilt 35, Kentucky 34 (in OT, as you can’t tempt the fickle finger of feetball fate that much, Jill Stein). Why did I pick Kentucky to beat us by more than 10.5 a few days ago in the Pick ‘Em? Oh you best believe a heel turn is the best turn. Also, I’m losing this year’s contest by a country mile after winning it all last year. First to worst! First to worst! First to worst!
The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: Ole Piss is going to show Tejas DE Collin Simmons how a man mime’s peeing on a football field and make Arch Conservative Manning go crying to his mama! Why does all of this read like I’m going to punctuate every sentence with “Hoo-Wee?” Hoo-Wee!
Patrick Sawyer
Do you want in-depth analysis? Too bad. Look to someone else. I choose to believe Jared Curtis is going to make up for being a major reason Vanderbilt lost to Arkansas by playing an incredible game in Lexington. Somehow, someway, Tim Beck gets into an aggressive mood like he had in Athens. Clark Lea stops holding Steve Gregory back from being aggressive. The Dores treat the Wildcats like a thoroughbred with a limp (not that Kentucky has shown much weakness) and that #12 ranking takes a tumble.
The Pick: Vanderbilt 31, Kentucky 27
The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: Why are South Carolina favorites? I’m leaving it there because I refuse to put into words picking THEM.
Cole Sullivan
I hate these guys. Annoying-ass fans, I hate them. Their shade of blue is like the puke-inside-of-a-pumpkin-orange version of blue, which is to say, I hate it. “Wildcat” is one of the lamest mascots and the Kentucky version looks like a totally oblivious little kitten, which I hate. Look, there’s a reason the Kentucky governor has been a Vandy grad so long, because they don’t trust a Kentucky grad not to muck it all up, except, as dirty as these horse-canoodlers always play us, I’m surprised they haven’t taken out Beshear’s knees. And honestly, I don’t even really like Kroger all that much. I wish we played this group of blue Kool-Aid-lookin’ julep-boofers every year instead of Mississippi State. Can’t waste a chance to beat ‘em this year.
The Pick: Vanderbilt 30, Kentucky 20
The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: Mississippi State is actually good, and Oklahoma is actually bad, regardless of whatever results we’ve seen thus far. Clanga beats WagonWheels by a smidge.